): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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