I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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