And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
