you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
