i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
