We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
