what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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