she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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