Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
