At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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