Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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