I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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