So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
