I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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