Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
