I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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