Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
