just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
