I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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