Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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