I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
