In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
