then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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