the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
