defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
