She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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