apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
