just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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