Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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