She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
