ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
