hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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