If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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