she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
