Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
