my vag is so smooth its legendary
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
