The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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