Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
