He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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