Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm passing your future prison.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
