I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
