fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
