Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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