i wish starbucks made bloody marys
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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