i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I could make wine with my vomit
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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