i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
