My room smells like vodka and shame
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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