why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
