I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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