I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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