I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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