seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Randomize
