You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
